That’s Funny, Huh? How To Get Rid of Children and Not Go To Jail

Date night!  No kids, just my honey lamb and I out by ourselves.  Nothing could bring this high down, right?  Cue the hostess at the restaurant of choice for the evening, henceforth referred to as Wet Blanket for her flame smothering effect.  The wife and I walk in laughing.  I would like to think it was about something clever I had just said, but her version is probably that I parked too close to another vehicle and I couldn’t get out.  Did I mention she writes fiction; yes, she actually gets paid to make shit up.

So, we walk in laughing at my witty joke and Wet Blanket greeted us and asked, “How many?  Just two?”

“Yes, we are WITHOUT KIDS!” answered my wife.  Then I quickly and fatefully added, “and we may move and not tell them.”

            Wet Blanket’s sweet expression evaporated, replaced with confusion.  She slowly responded, “That…would…be…harrowing.”  And, as her hand inched closer to the phone, I’m pretty sure she was thinking about calling the police.

I quickly ruled out the first response that came to mind, “’Harrowing?’  Do you have a f'ing thesaurus on that podium or a table layout?” 

Apparently, this young lady did not realize my parenting guide evolved from Major Payne.  I considered explaining how every parent should study Major Payne, making my comment less “harrowing.”  However, people that have no sense of humor frequently struggle with comedic movies, so there was no way she would catch a movie reference.

Response three had more promise. “Lady, you don’t know the half of it.  My kids think ‘Hey, that doesn’t suck’ is a compliment.”  And they do, too!  There’s a story.

One does not get the girlish figure I have by only eating greens.  And when it comes to cooking things, other than grilling meat, the only other things fun to make are desserts.  Trust me, I can bake cookies, brownies, and well, you name it.  As the kids got older, they each had their turn at making cookies when the remaining snacks in the house did not contain enough sugar.  Despite my repeating the magic directions for perfect cookies, they would follow the printed directions and burn them every time. 

One day I walked in from work and smelled chocolate chip cookies.  What was lacking in the air was the smell of an additional layer of carbon, which piqued my interest enough to ask who had made the cookies.  When it was reported that our youngest daughter had, my expectations dropped again.  Until I reached the kitchen.  There, laid out neatly on the cooling racks, were two-dozen gorgeous, perfectly browned, chocolate chip cookies.  Of course, I had to sample one.

 “Hey, these don’t suck!”  I should mention that compliments are hard to come by from me; one has to exceed the standards, not just meet them.  Well, my daughter heard the compliment, and turned it into a chant, “I don’t suck!”  The other kids quickly caught on, and after a discussion of “that chant probably shouldn’t leave the house,” it was adopted as an official Sparks House Kudo.

Alas, that story was too long to explain to Wet Blanket, who was already contemplating pressing 9-1-1.  So I opted for response number four; to turn and leave.  Because who wants to spend the evening with that kind of “fun?”  Seriously, if I wanted to be around somebody with no sense of humor I’d call my wife’s ex. 

My wife; God bless her, shifted into to salvaging date night mode.  After some negotiating, she talked the phone back into the cradle and my hand off the door.  Yes, date night was saved, and turned out well in the end.  Every once in a while it takes these encounters to remind my wife, and I that we are not for the faint of heart.  A little edge and some wit, so you are not rolled over,  or feel the need to call the cops. 

Oh! We didn’t move and the children are tucked in bed as I write this.  With all the rules on waterboarding these days; who can you torture, if not your children?

Life Without My Brain

Don’t you hate those moments when you err in exactly the same way you have hammered your kids?  Yep, I just finish a huge helping of crow pie, feathers and all, and I’m sure they will enjoy this for some time to come.  As each of the kids has passed the smart phone milestone, they got “The Speech.”  This is not a toy, it is an expensive piece of equipment, and you will treat it as such, if you do not – it becomes mine; etc., etc., etc., blah-blah-blah.  My daughter is forever placing her phone on the edge of the bathroom counter, where it can easily fall one of two ways – into the sink, or into the toilet.  And do not even get me started on her using her back jeans pocket as a cell phone carrier!

Then it happened…my worst nightmare (okay, not my worst, but a nightmare nonetheless – people with kids will understand).  No, I didn’t drop mine in the toilet, but that doesn’t stop me from hoping that the iPhone 6 can swim.  I killed my phone and there was absolutely nobody to blame, but myself (and I thought about it for a long time). Then I discovered another cruel joke…if this had happened to one of my children, they would have been without a phone for a day or two (and there would be no blog today).  When it is my phone, however, the cell phone company is going to be a stickler about process.  Because it was insured, I cannot simply go into a store and get a new one…no, it will have to be shipped.  AND, it will require a signature.  AND it will arrive during the day, in the middle of the work week. 

So, I track the parcel as it makes its way from one locale to another, and is finally “on the truck for delivery.”  I promise my wife all sorts of things so that she will be home when it arrives, and sign for it.  She agrees, and knows me well enough that she is okay with never actually receiving any of the things I promised. 

Then the phone call… they sent the wrong phone, and not a better phone (which would have been acceptable). To make a long story short, (is it already too late for that?) twelve days later I’m finally back in business.  TWELVE DAYS!!!

            For nearly two weeks my family enjoyed asking me for phone numbers.   Funny.  They were less amused when I would call and ask them to look on the calendar and tell me the “when and where” of my next meeting.  My wife telling me, “if you needed something else from the store, just text me.”  Still funny.  I consider myself reasonably intelligent, fairly well educated, and yet I had no brain for twelve days because I did not have a 4.5”x2.5”x.5” computer in my hand.  What in the hell did we use to do?

So, since I always ask my kids what they learned from a mistake, I placed the same burden upon myself, and am sharing what I learned.  I was smart enough to back up everything to the Cloud, my phone was up and running within an hour.  I also learned that I play too hard in too many different environments for an Otterbox case.  A friend turned me onto LifeProof cases.  After extensive research (I am a man, after all) -  sign me up, I am sold! 

My initial test & eval of the LifeProof case revealed the following:

The Good:  Good for swim, surf, rain, drinks, snow, ice, sleet, cold, sand, dirt, grit, mud, drops, knocks and tumbles*; comes with a warranty (they put their money where their mouth is on the product); sleeker case (not as bulky as the Otter box); the case comes with a waterproof adapter for using waterproof headphones (for a swim or other activity) that has a place to store the jack plug and a spare plug; has a mount for a motorcycle; good color selection.

The Bad: Registration – expect to spend some time with this taking screen captures, pictures and/or scans to satisfy the registration requirements;  the mute switch becomes a lever (in order to protect watertight integrity) and it takes a little getting used to; if you have a collection of Apple charging cables like my family does, you have to use the shorter style JAE DD1 30 pin connector and it is a tight fit; the waterproof headphone adapter becomes an awkward part to keep track of and store.

I did not have any problem with installation, but I have read two accounts where customers experienced an audio degradation with the case; both customers claimed the issue was remedied by a new case.

The Ugly: They are fairly expensive for a phone case, so I imagine not for everyone. 

Here is a link if you want to investigate on your own: http://www.lifeproof.com/en/iphone/

Life is now getting back to normal.  I was without the use of my phone for a substantial period of time, paid a “penalty” (buying a new case), performed my public mea culpa, and have passed on useful information in the hopes of someone avoiding this happening to them.  My community service is complete – for this event.  Now, I’m going to play with my electronic brain and store all my ideas for how one can detox from their cell phone. 

            Oh, if I am ever mugged for my iPhone, the bastard that gets it will have pried it from my cold dead hand… seriously.  

*From Lifeproof website; I personally have been without sleet, ice, and snow, and I will probably leave the surf check to others.  I can, however, attest to the other conditions.

Redefining the Word of the Day

It is not uncommon to receive a packet of pages to cut and paste, add or delete, into an aircraft manual for documenting changes.  I was surprised, however, when I recently receive the following cut and paste changes, not for a manual, but for my dictionary.  Oh well, changes made.

2013 Change 1

Page 644, top of column 2, Insert

Irony      I•ro•ny    (ahy-ruh-nee)  noun, plural ironies

6.   The Associated Press covering the story about how you should “trust big government,” while getting their phones tapped. (I can’t help but giggle on this one)

6a.   The excuse that tapping the AP phones was a matter of national security and lives were at stake while the phone from the embassy mission in Benghazi is calling on 9/11/12.

7.      The concept that people have to be laid off for days, planes delayed, national parks closed, and tours halted because a budget didn’t increase.

Page 842, bottom of column 1, Cut and Replace

Oxymoron            ox•y•mor•ons   (ok-si-mawr-on) noun plural oxymora

a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness,” “to make haste slowly,” “military intelligence,” “transparent government,” “jobs council,” “Justice department,” “fair share,” or ”Democratic leadership.”

Page 1259, Column 2, Add

Undocumented Worker        un•doc•u•ment•ed work•er       (ih-lee-guh l ey-lee-uh n)

AP slang.  See illegal alien.

Simply American

I didn’t have a picture, so here are a thousand words.  My heart goes out to the victims and families of the tragedy in Texas, and the atrocities of Boston and Newtown.  It also goes out to those who so desperately desire to hoist a villain, the unhyphenated, who is a married (to a woman) white, male, protestant Christian, misogynist, military veteran (I think that one allows them to get around pesky mental issues with PTSD) and conservative tea party member.  Maybe someday.  A little contemplation of that demographic, however, might show you why the odds are against you. 

As a member of this apparently volatile group let me explain who we are.  Whether we are in uniform or not (and many of us have them) you will likely encounter us running towards the crisis, be it gunfire, flames, or the “sounds of war.”  It is very difficult for the secular agnostic or atheist to do that because there is nothing else for them if things don’t go well.  LTC Dave Grossman wrote in his book On Combat about Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs, politics and race aside, many of the “unhyphenated” traits are key to the composition of the Sheepdog[i].  The “unhyphenated” has the monopoly on being the Sheepdog, however, many of the adjectives used for the “unhyphenated” run counter to being the Wolf.  

Our Christian values make us face our faults everyday and strive to become better; this is why you frequently find an inspiring woman by our side to help us on that path.  Those moral values both achieved and striven for, conflict with senseless murder and destruction.  Odd, I know, but bear with me.  There is nothing in our moral beliefs, outlined in the Bible, that justify, excuse, or demand, killing those that differ from us.  We can, however, have discourse with those people and inform them of what we believe and why.  Today, many misconstrue this as “hate,” but it used to be called debate with no derogatory meaning what-so-ever.     

Unfortunately I cannot lay claim to being a tea party member, but they are likely to have my sympathies on most issues.  I am, however, conservative and I think that would scratch the itch for our academic purpose here.  I do have a baseball hat with “Don’t tread on me” and <gasp> a coiled snake.  I purchased the hat before the modern political tea party associated it with their cause.  I bought it because I’m a student of history and was touring the battlefield at Lexington and Concord.  I recognize it as a symbol of the Gadsden flag named for the General and statesman.  The flag was flown by the Continental Marines.  A red and white striped version with an uncoiled snake was the Continental Navy’s first Jack and re-emerged on Navy ships after 9/11.  Did I mention that I am in the Navy?  I do enjoy the looks I get from those on the left when I wear it in public, but save yourselves some heart beats and fear and read some history books on the American Revolution.  I’d like to think that I would have had the courage to have joined those men, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever been confronted with such a monumental choice.

It is intriguing that progressives continue to point to some mystical fanatical right.  There seems to be no historic precedence for such a thing.  While it is true that the establishment right also rejects the tea party, that is largely because they will not conform to all the “rules.”  As for the extremists on each side; to the left one goes through socialism, fascism, communism, and totalitarianism.  To the right, away from large government and towards the empowerment of the individual, one could only arrive at anarchy in the extreme.  Strangely, anarchists are associated with the left, because anarchists in practice do not seek to empower every individual, they seek power for themselves and right back to totalitarianism.  So the political beliefs constrain this individual as well, as they tend to value individualism and that makes them less likely to try to force you to comply by means of force or terror.

If you were to actually have a conversation with that demographic the most notable thing you would discover is that person would not use many of those adjectives.  The best one could hope for in terms of a self-description would be a Christian-American, but most likely you would just get American.  No gender, no political affiliation, no race.  In fact, none of those issues factor into that person’s concept of diversity.  They have probably been amused by the differences and naiveté of those with isolated urban and rural upbringings, as well as rescued by the unique educations that both bring.  That is where they find diversity.

Racism brings a plethora of epithets.  Epithets can only be used for dehumanizing.  If our opponent is not human, whatever happens next is of little consequence to us.  When members of the “unhyphenated” stray, as is human nature, they generally find themselves on the wrong side of their wife who is not shy about demanding a behavior change.   Trust me when I say that if she can restrain me from saying something in anger with a simple look, I’m confident she can restrain me from committing a human atrocity. 

It is interesting that many of our nation’s enemies point to the fruits of secular political success as the justification of our “evilness.”  They point to figures like the divorce rate, out of wedlock births, and abortion. It seems more than ironic that the group that can be restrained by the love of a woman is misogynistic and those that force their women to cover all of their skin are not.

     Most of the adjectives assign are red herrings and admittedly, these descriptions of beliefs and restraints apply to countless others, perhaps you.  That is the point.  I understand with so many theses failing scrutiny, the “Love them/Love us” foreign policy thesis, the “Spend/Bailout” economic policy thesis, desperation is going to creep in surrounding the remaining ones.  Unfortunately this one is doomed too because of a basic lack of understanding.  The bad guy is not going to be a fantasy stereotype, the real “bad guy” is the hyphen.  I don’t know anything good that comes from the hyphen.  In English, as in mathematics, it seems to detract or subtract from the whole; it makes something less than what it was.  I don’t know what a hyphenated American is, but I suspect it is something less than America as a whole.

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[i] Grossman, . "Killology Research Group." Accessed April 23, 2013. http://www.killology.com/sheep_dog.htm.

The Circle of Economic Life

First, there was the inspiration and struggle to break free from Europe.  Prosperity followed.  When Europe failed to do things for itself, we aided…and bled.  Then there was the quest to be more like Europe.  Years later when Europe seemed to be struggling in spite of having embraced social hedonism, progressives explained that it “can’t happen here.”  Suspension of disbelief is required in order to believe that following someone will somehow only put you in a happy place - and not necessarily where they end up.  But the explanation continued, repeated at a greater frequency.  Now there is the almost constant mantra, “that can’t happen here.”  It started at a slow pace with Greece and you can just about dance to it now with Cyprus.  It is unclear whether they are trying to convince us or themselves.

What an interesting idea Cyprus had.  Just take their savings straight from the source.  Brilliant - highly illegal, but brilliant! And it “can’t happen here.”  Funnier still, Cyprus blinked and now everyone with money has run away.  That is a classic run on the bank.  At any rate, whatever legal or illegal options Cyprus might have had are largely gone now, which will put a strain on the European Union.  Let’s be more like them.  Say it together, “can’t happen here.”

Without getting into a long discussion on the fresh new wrapper professors like to put on the same old package, let’s all agree that the economy has been “global” since ocean trade routes were established.  Countries compete for global resources and tie into other markets whose success and failures are shared in degree.  So when the EU gets pinched, we will feel some pressure, too.  Can’t happen…

So back to being more like Europe; this budget thing is frustrating.  Well it is if you are going to enter into the discussion from the perspective of how we are going to pay for everything we need and want.  Unfortunately, the average American must budget, starting with their income and subtracting the things they need then sorting out the wants.  Lets play the “it can’t happen here game,” just for fun.  The Senate finally showed up on the job after 4 years (try doing that and keeping your job) and passed a budget with $1T in tax hikes over the next decade.  That means it is $100B each year so don’t get excited that it is a significant part of a greater than $4T annual budget or a $16T debt.  Oh and it will probably be reduced over that 10 year period.

Now, in the spirit of the game let’s focus on those super evil 1 percenters.   We all know they don’t do enough because they still have bigger houses and more toys than we have.  It is not enough that the top 1% pays 40% of the bill.  No!  Let’s make them pay more.  In fact, inspired by Cyprus, let’s become Utopian and take it ALL.  That would be awesome!  No more problems ever!!  Wait, how much did we just get?  Well, according to a summary of 2009 taxes, we just stole (I think that is what they call it when you take something that does not belong to you and you did not earn) $1.3T[i].  We have failed to even cover our budget.  Then we will have to take/steal more!!

  Now do not panic, it can’t happen here.

Maybe we do have a spending problem, after all.  There is very little the federal government must do.  Top of that list when the EU dominos start to tip on a stage built by the likes of North Korea, Iran, and Syria, will be to maintain our sovereignty.

After that, start subtracting our needs and see if the income extends to any of our wants.  It can’t happen here - but what if it did?  Will we be like Europe then?

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[i] Logan, David S.. "Summary of Latest Federal Individual Income Tax Data." Tax Foundation. N.p., 24 Oct 2011. Web. 23 Mar 2013. <http://taxfoundation.org/article/summary-latest-federal-individual-income-tax-data-0>.

Diary of a Spending Addict: A Costly Game of 'Kick the Can'

The producers of the Civil War, Jim Crow laws, and segregation, proudly present the latest in “Failing to Stand Up for the Little Guy”, or more commonly known as sequestration.  Make no mistake, this is a production and you are the audience, as well as, the victim.

The Harvard Health Guide states that “addiction involves craving for something intensely, loss of control over its use, and continuing involvement with it despite adverse consequences.”  Engaging in the activity more often than in the past, having issues if there is an inability to engage in the activity, or denial of the extent of involvement in the behavior, strongly evidences an addiction .  Hello, federal government, you have a spending addiction.

Addicts fear having to go cold turkey.  The Federal Government is feeding on that fear – safe in the knowledge that sequestration is so undesirable, it would never become a reality.  Of course, if it did – there was a legitimate scapegoat waiting in the wings.  Hardcore pragmatists are an easy target to blame, if and when it sequestration goes into effect.

It sounds reasonable; if Congress and the Administration cannot reach a consensus, there will be an automatic cut of 10% at the beginning of the fiscal year, limiting the cuts to the Department of Defense.  A more sound approach is to apply 10% across the entire Federal budget.  At that point, a serious measure could actually be claimed, rather than a “decent start.”  DoD is an easy target because it does not impact the Democratic base.  The prevailing thought is the GOP cannot stomach the cuts during ongoing wars.  Still, as part of a cure for a “spendaholic”, it represents a good first step.

So, not only did the Obama Administration propose the concept of sequestration, the President signed it into law .  Flashback to September 2012, a Presidential election looming and it must have occurred to many Democrats that while they could probably get away with blaming Republicans for Sequestration, a 10% cut was not going be that painful over a year.  So, raise the alarm, exaggerate the problem, and demand that it is “too dangerous” and “must be forestalled.”  Convince the opposition they will be to blame and then hope they bite.  Chomp down GOP, and delay the problem until March.

Now, with only six months remaining in the fiscal year, and the law mandating the entire 10% be cut still on the books, the effects of sequestration on the public and private sectors will be spectacular.  The headlines will scream – ‘Furloughs for all DoD civilians!’  But wait, just like the Six Million Dollar Man we can make it bigger and better; with some creativity we can exaggerate the pain.  Rather than use the full six months, government can force the DoD to provide a three-month plan.  Then there will be more days off, and it can be spread to contractors (at least those where the penalties will not kick in).  The only political gain to be had from Sequestration will be in the first few weeks of implementation.

 And who is the proverbial little guy in this analysis?  It is the civilian employee.  Not the fat cats paraded out as the devil incarnate during the last election.  They will be at work -  collecting away.  People living paycheck to paycheck, usually in high cost of living areas (i.e. $3.75 gas is cheap, line up) will be impacted the heaviest.  Consider this: a 20% pay cut (remember, it could have been 10% in September),  with pay roll taxes and health care benefits all come out first,  as if it were a full paycheck.  Kicking the can another 3 months down the road, will dictate a 40% pay cut, leaving the little guy – the one the Obama Administration is looking out for - with about a third of his normal pay check to live on.

If the Administration is really interested in helping the little guy and avoiding potential harm to their income and livelihood, then do not make proposals that will harm them, refuse to vote for it, and – absolutely do not sign it into law!  It is time to address the addiction, and sequestration is a good place to start.  In fact, Sequestration should have been implemented on the original schedule and the rest of the budget should get the same treatment.  The sky won’t fall, Henny Penny.  The first step is admitting you have a problem.  The second – fixing it.

Are You My Facebook Daddy?

<insert adorable picture of small children, captioned>

“If we get a thousand ‘likes’ my Daddy will get us a puppy.”

     Apparently, we do not have enough parental surrogates in place with teachers, coaches, Xbox, TV, that now we need Facebook parents.  If that is not ridiculous enough, we have Facebook enablers that ‘share’ the crap ostensibly to “help” the little children reach their goal.  YHGTBSM!!

     I guess it seems harmless enough until you really think about it.   It could be argued that this is a lesson to the youngsters on initiative or the use of social media.  Pets teach children responsibility.  If you would like to teach initiative, I would suggest Elbert Hubbard’s, “A Message to Garcia.”  Furthermore, it is unclear how one would develop the social media lesson in any meaningful way.  “Look, I have one thousand friends!”  Probably the wrong lesson, since we consider ourselves lucky to have a handful of extremely close and truly trustworthy friends.  “Sure, we can find a thousand morons to respond to this.”  Okay, maybe there is some short P.T. Barnum “sucker born every minute” lesson to be derived.  I just wonder if it is necessary to push being the “sucker.”  You could also teach your children about exploiting people for little payoff by having them deal crack on the corner.  Just saying.

     If we imagine that the post is legitimate, then “Daddy” has abdicated his parenting role over to all of us.  Man, oh man!  This is time to put on the twisted grandparent persona because not only can you spoil this lot, but you do not even have to deal with the consequences of any twisted lessons they might carry away.  Oh, and “Dad,” grow a sack!  Make a decision on the damn puppy, just like the rest of us.  When the lease did not allow pets, we explained it.  When we could have them, then we did.  Even when the veritable “farm” grows to 2 horses, a pony, two dogs, and a cat; most dads stand up and make the call because a real father knows who will be out there on the cold dark night the fence breaks, an animal is sick, or a myriad of other issues.  Oh, and when the request came in for the goat, a real dad took care of that one too, rather than handing it off to surrogate Facebook dads.

    In all likelihood, however, the cute Facebook post soliciting “likes” is a business scam.  Resist the urge to subjugate yourself, and potentially your friends, to whatever information they are attempting to obtain.  “Once the pages have collected huge numbers of 'Likes', they are then sold, for cash, to other businesses who use them to make their page appear popular…Pages with 100,000 likes can be sold for $200, according to adverts unearthed by Pearce.[1]”  But hey, if you know the business, or the person, to the extent that you know what they are using it for then go for it, it’s your prerogative.  Your Facebook friends might prefer you not attempt to drag them down, though.

      So if you are my Facebook friend and want to scam me, do it to my face.  At least be Manti Te’o’s girlfriend or something interesting.  I would suggest the persona Fay Curry or Piehole Covére.  Avoid being the irresponsible parent that wants the rest of Facebook to raise their children, or anybody else’s.

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[1] . "Why 'Liking' Facebook virals makes scammers rich." Yahoo News. Yahoo!, 24 Oct 2012. Web. 22 Jan 2013. <http://uk.news.yahoo.com/facebook-spam-scam-secret-revealed.html>.