Don’t Eat Tacos on Ramadan

Recently the governor of Oklahoma’s daughter posted a picture of herself on social media wearing a Native American headdress.  As a stand-alone event I might have glossed right over this one.  Put in context of the Washington Redskins name controversy, the ruling in California that on the 5^th of May some children in some California schools cannot wear an American flag on their clothing, and frankly, the extent we, as a nation, seem to be willing to go to protect minority cultural values, all combined to make me consider the question of cultural ownership.

First, the picture offered for everyone’s consideration, which was originally published on Christina Fallin’s Instagram account[1].  Personally, I think it is a striking p  I cannot speak for whether or not the model, Governor Fallin’s daughter has any native American blood heritage, nor can I speak to the ethnicity of the photographer or the authenticity of the apparel, the tribe it represents, or its intended purpose of use.  I would think that the answers to all of those questions might bear on a full analysis of this situation.

hoto that is flattering to the model, the photographer, and the apparel.

Second, a well written and thought provoking response is linked here and I recommend everyone read it.  It also includes the Governor’s daughter’s apologetic response. http://nativeappropriations.com/2014/03/dear-christina-fallin.html[2] It should be noted that I grew up in Oklahoma and I’m proud of that fact.  The people of Oklahoma today all benefit from the good and bad parts of our state’s history.

            When my daughter was very young, we visited the Arizona memorial.  Before going out to the memorial, all visitors watch a film that documents the events of December 7^th, 1941.  At the film’s conclusion amidst a hushed audience, my daughter loudly announced,  “That’s a sad story.”  Likewise, the events that unfolded starting in 1831 with the removal of the Choctaw nation and culminating in 1838 with the removal of the Cherokee nation as a result of the Indian Removal Act of 1830[3] was a sad story.  It received the name Trail of Tears for a reason, and anyone that has studied the event punctuated their reading with their own tears.  There is also absolutely nothing anyone can do to make amends to those that were actually harmed by that event or the subsequent results of the Dawes Act.

            At what point is one allowed to buy in to a culture?  I don’t recall a great disturbance over Senator Elizabeth Warren’s unsupported claim to be Native American.  Oh, sure there was a dustup by her GOP opponent ostensibly attacking her integrity over exploiting a minority status for personal gain.  What was lacking was outrage over what was either blatant exploitation or an incompetently defended position.  Of course, then there is the push to nationalized payday lending through the USPS, while simultaneously denying tribes from operating their own payday lending businesses[4] - cricket. Nor did those groups attack Ward Churchill, who, regardless of the level of veracity, was actually exploiting the culture solely for personal gain.  Is their a certain level of ethnicity or political affiliation that makes it okay?  Is this really simply going to be yet another political expedient and hypocrisy?  Elizabeth Warren and Ward Churchill were going after GOP targets.  Christina Fallin’s mother is a Republican.  The optics certainly do not look pure and principled.

            Where are the countless letters and denigrations of the vendors, and artisans that have apparently sold their culture?  Is it really just the buyer’s responsibility?  Was I wrong to have returned to Oklahoma in order to take my children to the Red Earth festival and expose them to a culture that I grew up around?  What about the items I purchased from the Native Americans while there? Should I not have purchased the items made by the tribe members? Or just not let my daughter play with them?

What about when we travel?  I went to many countries in the Navy and I purchased souvenirs representative of those cultures for my family in each and every location.  Was it disrespectful to the Australian aborigines to purchase boomerangs and didgeridoos because of what happened to them subsequent to 1788?  If so, what part made is disrespectful, that it was a more modern boomerang vice the classic hunting boomerang, that it was sold, that I purchased it, or that my children actually used them?  Perhaps I just see it differently and I’m somewhat surprised that people who have never met me can render a judgment of the content of my heart or seemingly that of Christina Fallin.

            I can only imagine where this form of sanctimonious victimhood ends.  Already, some American’s cannot wear the nations flag on their clothing on the fifth of May.  Cinco de Mayo historically has absolutely nothing to do with the United States, so where is the insult.  Wouldn’t it be more disrespectful if a child wore say a French flag? A shirt that says Vive La France? That seems more “in your face” than wearing an American flag on your shirt on May 5^th.

I happen to be a heterosexual male, is it insulting if I happen to wear a rainbow on my clothes or if I photograph one and post it on my Facebook page?  Does that show a disregard for the LGBT organizations who have the rainbow as their symbol of unity? Do I have to turn in all my Navy Air Wing patches that have rainbow contrails representing the multitude of aircraft types and missions that come together to form the air wing?  I personally think I earned those, the hard way.

            Maybe all of it is disrespectful.  Perhaps the vision of our nation’s forefathers of an idealized nation formed in a crucible was counter-productive.  Perhaps the 1908 play by Israel Zangwill, The Melting Pot, had it all wrong.  Our nation’s history has its share of sad stories and failures to meet the ideal mark.  Maybe we should be small, completely homogenous groups that attack those who attempt to share other beautiful cultures.  Perhaps we should celebrate attacking unifying symbols like burning the American flag, or supporting “academic” exercises of having students write Jesus on a piece of paper and throwing it to the ground and trampling it.  Certainly, that will provide a modicum of gratification to minority groups.

            As for me, I’m going to hang on to those things and in my idealistic way continue to search for good and beautiful things across all cultures.  It may be a dated way to think, but perhaps our circumstances dictate that none of us chose what ethnicity we were born into or our socio-economic situation, but we are all faced with the same problems.  Just maybe, the answers will come from what we can celebrate and accomplish together.

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[1] AP, . Daughter of Okla. governor defends headdress photo. 2014. Photograph. Washington Post, NationalWeb. 8 Mar 2014. <http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/daughter-of-okla-governor-defends-headdress-photo/2014/03/07/154f3a5e-a627-11e3-b865-38b254d92063_story.html>.

[2] No last name provided, Adrienne. Native Appropriations, "Dear Christina Fallin." Last modified March 7, 2014. Accessed March 8, 2014. http://nativeappropriations.com/2014/03/dear-christina-fallin.html.

[3] multiple sources, . Wikipedia, "Trail of Tears." Last modified January 2014. Accessed March 8, 2014. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trail_of_Tears.

[4] Cathy, Reisenwitz. Townhall.com, "Elizabeth Warren's Crusade to Nationalize Payday Lending Squeezes Native American Tribes." Last modified March 10, 2014. Accessed March 11, 2014. http://townhall.com/columnists/cathyreisenwitz/2014/03/10/elizabeth-warrens-crusade-to-nationalize-payday-lending-squeezes-native-american-tribes-n1806028.

That’s Funny, Huh? How To Get Rid of Children and Not Go To Jail

Date night!  No kids, just my honey lamb and I out by ourselves.  Nothing could bring this high down, right?  Cue the hostess at the restaurant of choice for the evening, henceforth referred to as Wet Blanket for her flame smothering effect.  The wife and I walk in laughing.  I would like to think it was about something clever I had just said, but her version is probably that I parked too close to another vehicle and I couldn’t get out.  Did I mention she writes fiction; yes, she actually gets paid to make shit up.

So, we walk in laughing at my witty joke and Wet Blanket greeted us and asked, “How many?  Just two?”

“Yes, we are WITHOUT KIDS!” answered my wife.  Then I quickly and fatefully added, “and we may move and not tell them.”

            Wet Blanket’s sweet expression evaporated, replaced with confusion.  She slowly responded, “That…would…be…harrowing.”  And, as her hand inched closer to the phone, I’m pretty sure she was thinking about calling the police.

I quickly ruled out the first response that came to mind, “’Harrowing?’  Do you have a f'ing thesaurus on that podium or a table layout?” 

Apparently, this young lady did not realize my parenting guide evolved from Major Payne.  I considered explaining how every parent should study Major Payne, making my comment less “harrowing.”  However, people that have no sense of humor frequently struggle with comedic movies, so there was no way she would catch a movie reference.

Response three had more promise. “Lady, you don’t know the half of it.  My kids think ‘Hey, that doesn’t suck’ is a compliment.”  And they do, too!  There’s a story.

One does not get the girlish figure I have by only eating greens.  And when it comes to cooking things, other than grilling meat, the only other things fun to make are desserts.  Trust me, I can bake cookies, brownies, and well, you name it.  As the kids got older, they each had their turn at making cookies when the remaining snacks in the house did not contain enough sugar.  Despite my repeating the magic directions for perfect cookies, they would follow the printed directions and burn them every time. 

One day I walked in from work and smelled chocolate chip cookies.  What was lacking in the air was the smell of an additional layer of carbon, which piqued my interest enough to ask who had made the cookies.  When it was reported that our youngest daughter had, my expectations dropped again.  Until I reached the kitchen.  There, laid out neatly on the cooling racks, were two-dozen gorgeous, perfectly browned, chocolate chip cookies.  Of course, I had to sample one.

 “Hey, these don’t suck!”  I should mention that compliments are hard to come by from me; one has to exceed the standards, not just meet them.  Well, my daughter heard the compliment, and turned it into a chant, “I don’t suck!”  The other kids quickly caught on, and after a discussion of “that chant probably shouldn’t leave the house,” it was adopted as an official Sparks House Kudo.

Alas, that story was too long to explain to Wet Blanket, who was already contemplating pressing 9-1-1.  So I opted for response number four; to turn and leave.  Because who wants to spend the evening with that kind of “fun?”  Seriously, if I wanted to be around somebody with no sense of humor I’d call my wife’s ex. 

My wife; God bless her, shifted into to salvaging date night mode.  After some negotiating, she talked the phone back into the cradle and my hand off the door.  Yes, date night was saved, and turned out well in the end.  Every once in a while it takes these encounters to remind my wife, and I that we are not for the faint of heart.  A little edge and some wit, so you are not rolled over,  or feel the need to call the cops. 

Oh! We didn’t move and the children are tucked in bed as I write this.  With all the rules on waterboarding these days; who can you torture, if not your children?

Life Without My Brain

Don’t you hate those moments when you err in exactly the same way you have hammered your kids?  Yep, I just finish a huge helping of crow pie, feathers and all, and I’m sure they will enjoy this for some time to come.  As each of the kids has passed the smart phone milestone, they got “The Speech.”  This is not a toy, it is an expensive piece of equipment, and you will treat it as such, if you do not – it becomes mine; etc., etc., etc., blah-blah-blah.  My daughter is forever placing her phone on the edge of the bathroom counter, where it can easily fall one of two ways – into the sink, or into the toilet.  And do not even get me started on her using her back jeans pocket as a cell phone carrier!

Then it happened…my worst nightmare (okay, not my worst, but a nightmare nonetheless – people with kids will understand).  No, I didn’t drop mine in the toilet, but that doesn’t stop me from hoping that the iPhone 6 can swim.  I killed my phone and there was absolutely nobody to blame, but myself (and I thought about it for a long time). Then I discovered another cruel joke…if this had happened to one of my children, they would have been without a phone for a day or two (and there would be no blog today).  When it is my phone, however, the cell phone company is going to be a stickler about process.  Because it was insured, I cannot simply go into a store and get a new one…no, it will have to be shipped.  AND, it will require a signature.  AND it will arrive during the day, in the middle of the work week. 

So, I track the parcel as it makes its way from one locale to another, and is finally “on the truck for delivery.”  I promise my wife all sorts of things so that she will be home when it arrives, and sign for it.  She agrees, and knows me well enough that she is okay with never actually receiving any of the things I promised. 

Then the phone call… they sent the wrong phone, and not a better phone (which would have been acceptable). To make a long story short, (is it already too late for that?) twelve days later I’m finally back in business.  TWELVE DAYS!!!

            For nearly two weeks my family enjoyed asking me for phone numbers.   Funny.  They were less amused when I would call and ask them to look on the calendar and tell me the “when and where” of my next meeting.  My wife telling me, “if you needed something else from the store, just text me.”  Still funny.  I consider myself reasonably intelligent, fairly well educated, and yet I had no brain for twelve days because I did not have a 4.5”x2.5”x.5” computer in my hand.  What in the hell did we use to do?

So, since I always ask my kids what they learned from a mistake, I placed the same burden upon myself, and am sharing what I learned.  I was smart enough to back up everything to the Cloud, my phone was up and running within an hour.  I also learned that I play too hard in too many different environments for an Otterbox case.  A friend turned me onto LifeProof cases.  After extensive research (I am a man, after all) -  sign me up, I am sold! 

My initial test & eval of the LifeProof case revealed the following:

The Good:  Good for swim, surf, rain, drinks, snow, ice, sleet, cold, sand, dirt, grit, mud, drops, knocks and tumbles*; comes with a warranty (they put their money where their mouth is on the product); sleeker case (not as bulky as the Otter box); the case comes with a waterproof adapter for using waterproof headphones (for a swim or other activity) that has a place to store the jack plug and a spare plug; has a mount for a motorcycle; good color selection.

The Bad: Registration – expect to spend some time with this taking screen captures, pictures and/or scans to satisfy the registration requirements;  the mute switch becomes a lever (in order to protect watertight integrity) and it takes a little getting used to; if you have a collection of Apple charging cables like my family does, you have to use the shorter style JAE DD1 30 pin connector and it is a tight fit; the waterproof headphone adapter becomes an awkward part to keep track of and store.

I did not have any problem with installation, but I have read two accounts where customers experienced an audio degradation with the case; both customers claimed the issue was remedied by a new case.

The Ugly: They are fairly expensive for a phone case, so I imagine not for everyone. 

Here is a link if you want to investigate on your own: http://www.lifeproof.com/en/iphone/

Life is now getting back to normal.  I was without the use of my phone for a substantial period of time, paid a “penalty” (buying a new case), performed my public mea culpa, and have passed on useful information in the hopes of someone avoiding this happening to them.  My community service is complete – for this event.  Now, I’m going to play with my electronic brain and store all my ideas for how one can detox from their cell phone. 

            Oh, if I am ever mugged for my iPhone, the bastard that gets it will have pried it from my cold dead hand… seriously.  

*From Lifeproof website; I personally have been without sleet, ice, and snow, and I will probably leave the surf check to others.  I can, however, attest to the other conditions.

Redefining the Word of the Day

It is not uncommon to receive a packet of pages to cut and paste, add or delete, into an aircraft manual for documenting changes.  I was surprised, however, when I recently receive the following cut and paste changes, not for a manual, but for my dictionary.  Oh well, changes made.

2013 Change 1

Page 644, top of column 2, Insert

Irony      I•ro•ny    (ahy-ruh-nee)  noun, plural ironies

6.   The Associated Press covering the story about how you should “trust big government,” while getting their phones tapped. (I can’t help but giggle on this one)

6a.   The excuse that tapping the AP phones was a matter of national security and lives were at stake while the phone from the embassy mission in Benghazi is calling on 9/11/12.

7.      The concept that people have to be laid off for days, planes delayed, national parks closed, and tours halted because a budget didn’t increase.

Page 842, bottom of column 1, Cut and Replace

Oxymoron            ox•y•mor•ons   (ok-si-mawr-on) noun plural oxymora

a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, as in “cruel kindness,” “to make haste slowly,” “military intelligence,” “transparent government,” “jobs council,” “Justice department,” “fair share,” or ”Democratic leadership.”

Page 1259, Column 2, Add

Undocumented Worker        un•doc•u•ment•ed work•er       (ih-lee-guh l ey-lee-uh n)

AP slang.  See illegal alien.

Simply American

I didn’t have a picture, so here are a thousand words.  My heart goes out to the victims and families of the tragedy in Texas, and the atrocities of Boston and Newtown.  It also goes out to those who so desperately desire to hoist a villain, the unhyphenated, who is a married (to a woman) white, male, protestant Christian, misogynist, military veteran (I think that one allows them to get around pesky mental issues with PTSD) and conservative tea party member.  Maybe someday.  A little contemplation of that demographic, however, might show you why the odds are against you. 

As a member of this apparently volatile group let me explain who we are.  Whether we are in uniform or not (and many of us have them) you will likely encounter us running towards the crisis, be it gunfire, flames, or the “sounds of war.”  It is very difficult for the secular agnostic or atheist to do that because there is nothing else for them if things don’t go well.  LTC Dave Grossman wrote in his book On Combat about Sheep, Wolves and Sheepdogs, politics and race aside, many of the “unhyphenated” traits are key to the composition of the Sheepdog[i].  The “unhyphenated” has the monopoly on being the Sheepdog, however, many of the adjectives used for the “unhyphenated” run counter to being the Wolf.  

Our Christian values make us face our faults everyday and strive to become better; this is why you frequently find an inspiring woman by our side to help us on that path.  Those moral values both achieved and striven for, conflict with senseless murder and destruction.  Odd, I know, but bear with me.  There is nothing in our moral beliefs, outlined in the Bible, that justify, excuse, or demand, killing those that differ from us.  We can, however, have discourse with those people and inform them of what we believe and why.  Today, many misconstrue this as “hate,” but it used to be called debate with no derogatory meaning what-so-ever.     

Unfortunately I cannot lay claim to being a tea party member, but they are likely to have my sympathies on most issues.  I am, however, conservative and I think that would scratch the itch for our academic purpose here.  I do have a baseball hat with “Don’t tread on me” and <gasp> a coiled snake.  I purchased the hat before the modern political tea party associated it with their cause.  I bought it because I’m a student of history and was touring the battlefield at Lexington and Concord.  I recognize it as a symbol of the Gadsden flag named for the General and statesman.  The flag was flown by the Continental Marines.  A red and white striped version with an uncoiled snake was the Continental Navy’s first Jack and re-emerged on Navy ships after 9/11.  Did I mention that I am in the Navy?  I do enjoy the looks I get from those on the left when I wear it in public, but save yourselves some heart beats and fear and read some history books on the American Revolution.  I’d like to think that I would have had the courage to have joined those men, but I’m not sure that I’ve ever been confronted with such a monumental choice.

It is intriguing that progressives continue to point to some mystical fanatical right.  There seems to be no historic precedence for such a thing.  While it is true that the establishment right also rejects the tea party, that is largely because they will not conform to all the “rules.”  As for the extremists on each side; to the left one goes through socialism, fascism, communism, and totalitarianism.  To the right, away from large government and towards the empowerment of the individual, one could only arrive at anarchy in the extreme.  Strangely, anarchists are associated with the left, because anarchists in practice do not seek to empower every individual, they seek power for themselves and right back to totalitarianism.  So the political beliefs constrain this individual as well, as they tend to value individualism and that makes them less likely to try to force you to comply by means of force or terror.

If you were to actually have a conversation with that demographic the most notable thing you would discover is that person would not use many of those adjectives.  The best one could hope for in terms of a self-description would be a Christian-American, but most likely you would just get American.  No gender, no political affiliation, no race.  In fact, none of those issues factor into that person’s concept of diversity.  They have probably been amused by the differences and naiveté of those with isolated urban and rural upbringings, as well as rescued by the unique educations that both bring.  That is where they find diversity.

Racism brings a plethora of epithets.  Epithets can only be used for dehumanizing.  If our opponent is not human, whatever happens next is of little consequence to us.  When members of the “unhyphenated” stray, as is human nature, they generally find themselves on the wrong side of their wife who is not shy about demanding a behavior change.   Trust me when I say that if she can restrain me from saying something in anger with a simple look, I’m confident she can restrain me from committing a human atrocity. 

It is interesting that many of our nation’s enemies point to the fruits of secular political success as the justification of our “evilness.”  They point to figures like the divorce rate, out of wedlock births, and abortion. It seems more than ironic that the group that can be restrained by the love of a woman is misogynistic and those that force their women to cover all of their skin are not.

     Most of the adjectives assign are red herrings and admittedly, these descriptions of beliefs and restraints apply to countless others, perhaps you.  That is the point.  I understand with so many theses failing scrutiny, the “Love them/Love us” foreign policy thesis, the “Spend/Bailout” economic policy thesis, desperation is going to creep in surrounding the remaining ones.  Unfortunately this one is doomed too because of a basic lack of understanding.  The bad guy is not going to be a fantasy stereotype, the real “bad guy” is the hyphen.  I don’t know anything good that comes from the hyphen.  In English, as in mathematics, it seems to detract or subtract from the whole; it makes something less than what it was.  I don’t know what a hyphenated American is, but I suspect it is something less than America as a whole.

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[i] Grossman, . "Killology Research Group." Accessed April 23, 2013. http://www.killology.com/sheep_dog.htm.